Durable Outcomes Founded in Empathy
Whether a business deal has gone awry, an employment relationship has ended suddenly after many years, or an insurer and the insured disagree about the value of a claim, strong emotions will often be present in conflict. While emotions like anger, mistrust, fear and hurt may not be explicitly discussed in a mediation session, the way they are expressed and understood will undoubtedly impact the outcome.
With this in mind, consider how you interact with emotions, especially negative emotions that often impede progress and understanding. Of the many ways we react to conflict, two seemingly similar approaches (sympathy and empathy) can lead to drastically different outcomes.
Sympathy v Empathy: Back to Basics
Consider the Greek origins of these words, which share a common root.
Sympathy: Empathy:
Prefix: Sym – together, with Prefix: Em – in, into
Base: PATH – to feel, suffer Base: PATH – to feel, suffer
Suffix: y – the quality of… Suffix: y – the quality of…
Through drilling down to the core of each word, we can conclude that sympathy addresses the act of sharing feelings; a sympathetic person is often a caring one. The prefix ‘sym’ suggests that sympathy might be two or more people sharing an emotional experience together. Offering sympathy is a way of expressing how you experience someone else’s emotions. An example of a sympathetic response might be: “I feel so terrible, I wish there was a way I could help you.” Sympathy is a way of feeling for someone through your own emotional reaction to his or her plight.
If we look at the roots of empathy, however, we can see empathy leads us in different direction. The prefix ‘em’ means in, or into. Here, we find the key to a deeper emotional understanding – you are ‘in’ another’s feelings in an attempt to understand their experience. Whereas sympathy may move you to feel for another, empathy is to truly feel with another – an attempt to urge yourself to feel what they are feeling, and experience their perspective. An example of empathy is “I would be utterly lost in your situation.”
How do sympathy and empathy impact mediating parties?
In the video, The Power of Empathy, Brené Brown discusses the difference between empathy and sympathy, and how they impact relationships. I take two important messages from the video that translate to mediation: empathy does not belittle and empathy encourages connection.
A sympathetic response often involves feeling sorry for another person and, instinctively, we move to alleviate those bad feelings by “looking on the bright side.” For example, a sympathetic response to news of an accident might be: “You were in a traumatic accident, but at least you survived.” While the person who experienced the accident may be grateful for their life, their experience with suffering may not be easily alleviated, and an attempt to understate that suffering can be viewed as belittling, which could lead to emotional escalation and disconnection.
Brown’s views on the value of “encouraging connection” are captured by this quote taken from the video: “Rarely does a response make something better, what makes something better is connection.” Empathy lends itself to forging connections. Your words may not alleviate the damage, but attempting to understand someone through their lens may help to create the connection that leads to a productive dialogue. Returning to the accident example, an empathetic response might be: “It sounds like the experience of going through that accident was extremely traumatic for you. Tell me more.”
When mediating or engaging conflict day-to-day, consider this: every conflict is an emotional experience. Every emotional experience is an opportunity to create connections through conveying empathy, and every connection is an opportunity to create durable solutions founded in acknowledgement and understanding.
